I’ve been through some things, I’m sure you’ve been through some things. There’s not really a trick, just keep doing what you do & eventually, being happy in yourself will make you happy overall.
I know people always say “be yourself” but when you have an awakening & realise how much you have been holding back, make a conscious decision never to do that again, it changes everything.
I’ve never lied about who I am, but knowing I can be TOTALLY me, dork & all without caring about other peoples opinions is life changing. It’s so good knowing that the people in your life are getting every bit of you, good & bad, & if they love you for it, AWESOME.
"I don’t sleep. I know that isn’t anything new, for me. But now I really don’t sleep.
I think instead. Think a million things at once. And sometimes just one thing, over and over and over and over again. Invent scenarios that will never happen and let my mind get carried away with me before crashing back down to earth.
I push that blunt, disappointing realisation to the back of my thoughts and keep inventing. I need to, because I need something to hold on to. Something to hope for, and look forward to.
It’s hard to pull yourself back up when you truly feel like you have failed at your own life, your own plan. Everything I wanted, has come and gone. And its scary to not know whether it will come again. Or whether I’ll want it to.
I hate being so out of control. I want to have my shit together. I NEED to have my shit together. I hate being stuck at my parents house, waiting, waiting, waiting. With no idea what to do with my house, or how I can afford my own place. I’m too independant to be back here, after 8 years.
I feel like Im falling apart, yet I feel like Im handling everything remarkably well. I didn’t know I could be as strong as I am. I didn’t know I could get up each day after this. And smile, and laugh, and dream, and look forward and hope.
And hope, and hope, and hope.
Im damaged goods now. I have baggage. Will anyone be able to see past that? Or is it just a burden?
I feel like I will never be good enough. I’ve been thrown away, and replaced. And if that is the case, why would anybody else want me? But I still hope. I still look forward to the smiles, and the laughs, and a future. Even just an immediate future. And I wait up. And I refresh.