I don’t sleep. I know that isn’t anything new, for me. But now I really don’t sleep.
I think instead. Think a million things at once. And sometimes just one thing, over and over and over and over again. Invent scenarios that will never happen and let my mind get carried away with me before crashing back down to earth.
I push that blunt, disappointing realisation to the back of my thoughts and keep inventing. I need to, because I need something to hold on to. Something to hope for, and look forward to.
It’s hard to pull yourself back up when you truly feel like you have failed at your own life, your own plan. Everything I wanted, has come and gone. And its scary to not know whether it will come again. Or whether I’ll want it to.
I hate being so out of control. I want to have my shit together. I NEED to have my shit together. I hate being stuck at my parents house, waiting, waiting, waiting. With no idea what to do with my house, or how I can afford my own place. I’m too independant to be back here, after 8 years.
I feel like Im falling apart, yet I feel like Im handling everything remarkably well. I didn’t know I could be as strong as I am. I didn’t know I could get up each day after this. And smile, and laugh, and dream, and look forward and hope.
And hope, and hope, and hope.
Im damaged goods now. I have baggage. Will anyone be able to see past that? Or is it just a burden?
I feel like I will never be good enough. I’ve been thrown away, and replaced. And if that is the case, why would anybody else want me? But I still hope. I still look forward to the smiles, and the laughs, and a future. Even just an immediate future. And I wait up. And I refresh.
Hi. I just wanted to say, I read your blog a lot (stalkerish for the win) and I am going through a rough time as well. I am all alone and on the edge of losing everything, Today I looked on you flickr and saw you are selling stuff on Etsy, and this made me excited <3 i definately want to buy something, love the stuff! I wanted to thank you for the inspiration your blog had provided me. And also, thank you for posting Lydia on there :)
Oh, thank you so much. Yes it’s been a ridiculously hard Christmas & New Year. I’m sorry to hear you aren’t having the best time either. All I can do is hope that this year will get better and stay positive and as strong as I can. It doesn’t feel like it at the moment but I know I’ll be ok eventually. And the same goes for you. Feel free to shoot me an email anytime x